My Best Man Speech

Oct 2013

It had been some time since I last wore my suit, two years to be exact. Reaching into my interior jacket pocket I found a letter, it was my best man speech from my brothers wedding.

The purpose of posting this is thirty years from now I’ll hopefully still be able to read it and re-live the memory.

Good evening and welcome to the roast of Ryan Woodall. I am your host, Scott Woodall.

Six weeks ago it was I who got married and it was Ryan giving this speech. He did such a wonderful job discussing my ex-girlfriend and my World of Warcraft characters that he forgot who was going second. He spared me no leniency so I won't either.

Being Ryans older brother we've spent many years hanging out and he has had a large part in developing my sense of humor. I tried to make this speech as funny as possible, but if its not, its all Ryan's fault.

While looking around the Internet I read that the best man is supposed to stand up here and sing praises and talk about Ryans good features. Well as my wife will be the first to tell you I can't sing and secondly I'm not going to lie. I am however going to share with you some of my favorite quirks about Ryan.

Quirk #1 - The Bromance	
Over the years Ryan has had an infatuation with a certain west coast gangster rapper named Tupac Shakur. Ryan has all the albums, knows the lyrics to all his songs and even went as far as hanging posters all throughout his room.

There are also countless pictures where Ryan is seen throwing up infamous "W" as Tupac often would. For those who don't know, Tupac was tragically murdered in 1996. Ryan took this news pretty hard and to this day firmly believes that Tupac is alive and will return to release another album.

Quick #2 - No Sense of Direction
There was a weekend when Ryan left Brownsburg and headed towards Bloomington. After two hours of Ryan not arriving everyone started asking why it was taking so long. Someone finally got a hold of him and come to find out Ryan went north on 465 and drove ~all~ the way around Indianapolis before reaching 37 south.

Then there was the time he left the bars in Bloomington to walk back to his apartment. Again Ryan went the wrong direction and when he reached the only strip club in town, which is two miles the wrong way, he realized where he was and had to go inside the strip club to call someone to pick him up.

Quick #3 - Can't Fix Anything Around The House
Ryan, now that you're married you to need to figure out where the toolbox is. Gone are the days of calling Dad to come over and hang your pictures or paint your walls. The more you learn how to use a toolbox the less you'll be a toolbox and the more Stephanie will love you.

Quick #4 - Not Smooth With The Ladies
I originally thought it would be offensive to the bride to talk about Ryan's ex-girlfriends, but since Ryan brought up mine during his speech, I thought it would only be fair to return the favor.

You see Ryan has never been good with the ladies. While attending IU all his friends threw him a party on his birthday. Throughout the night there was one girl who was showing Ryan a lot of interest. Towards the end she cornered Ryan and asked "If you could have one thing for your birthday what would it be?" Ryan's response? "A trip to Cancun."	

Needless to say she left the house shortly after.

Being the best man I asked myself what could I possibly do to help Ryan and Stephanie start off on the right foot? So I brought some gifts to help Ryan fix these quirks that I've just mentioned to you.

First, I purchased an exact replica of Tupac's death certificate. It's time to let go buddy; he's not coming back.

Second, an iTunes gift card so you can purchase a GPS app on your iPhone. Never again will Stephanie have to worry about finding your way home.

Third, a DVD set of the first season of Home Improvement. Who better to teach you the way of the hammer than Tim The Tool Man Taylor?

And finally I've purchased you an autographed copy of the New York Times best selling book "50 Shades of What To Tell A Woman If She Ever Asks What You Want For Your Birthday", authored by yours truly.

Everyone please join me in a toast. I love you both and wish that your dreams come true.

To love, to laughter and to happily ever after.